Brooke Baker's Dating Guidelines

So these are not guidelines on how to "play the game" but rather they are on how to stay happy, hopeful, and healthy while you "out there" in the dating world.  Dating can be kinda rough.  It can be disorienting, traumatizing, and de-stabilizing.  But above all else it is also hopefully really fun and you learn a ton about yourself along the way.

I decided to write these little words of advice because I think I have pretty good experience in this area and I think I have a pretty good handle on how to take care of myself while also juggling all these balls in the air at the same time (what I mean by this is managing dating, work, friends, interests....what did you think I meant??)

Perhaps you have just decided to put yourself out there for the first time in a long time or maybe you have been single for a long time and totally fed up with the dating scene because it has produced less than satisfactory results for you.  Either way, you probably have the same anxieties that most other people have when it comes to dating--and you might even have been on a handful of crappy dates and are starting to lose hope that there's someone out there for you.  (need I remind you that there most definitely IS?!!)  Maybe when you are so wrapped up in dating you start losing who you are and neglecting your health, friends, work, and other things that are important to you.  If so, you need to keep reading.  

***If you just broke up with someone--like, JUST broke up with someone...do the first 7 while dating only yourself for a WHILE...ESPECIALLY if your M.O. is to get right back into another relationship---this is a whole other blog topic..maybe tomorrow's.

• Be yourself - I think this goes without saying, but absolutely be authentically who you are...ALL the time...not just when you are out on dates.  If you find you are different people TO different people, that might be something you should explore before going out on any dates--cuz there's probably some self-esteem stuff that needs to be worked out first.  And don't you hate it when you are very happily dating someone for a couple months only to have this totally new person that is far less pleasant emerge?--I know I do!!!  So, don't be that person to someone else.  It feels better when you are yourself anyways.

• Don't forget about your interests or friends - Don't compromise what you would normally be interested in doing for dates.  Keep a full schedule--make dinner dates with friends, take a Sushi-making class, attend a lecture, a dance class, paint, read, write your blog, volunteer, go to church...whatever it is that makes you happy--keep doing it!  Don't lose yourself!  This will also prevent you from investing too much energy in someone right off the bat--thinking about someone and spending a shit ton of time with someone in the beginning is just never a good practice.

• Think positive - staying positive is so important.  If you go out on dates and you are feeling negatively about yourself, about dating, about your life...it's going to come across and it ain't gonna be pretty.

• Visualize - Take some time daily--5 minutes will do--to imagine what it's going to be like with your one true love...sure you won't be able to picture the actual person but those details aren't important.  What is important is to conjure up the FEELINGS you will have when you are there--refer to yesterdays blog for this!  Thoughts become things!!

• But...don't daydream at work - whatever you do, don't focus on your love life when you are at work.  The quality of your work will be compromised and you can't afford this kind of risk in this current job market.

• Exercise, eat right, and limit alcohol - it is so easy to let your physical health go downhill when you are dating because when you are making time for dates you have less time for exercise.  Not to mention when you are out on dates you eat whatever and drink whatever (hopefully not too excessively.  If you are, this is also a whole other blog topic.)  Make sure you are sticking to a healthy regimen as closely as possible--this includes getting adequate sleep.  This bulletpoint tends to be hardest for me.

• Get crystal clear on what your wants, needs, and non-negotiables are - this one is so important--and you figure this out more and more the more you go out on dates.  But if you are not dating right now because you are not healed enough from the last relationship you were in--you need to spend some time exploring these things.  You need to spend time reflecting on your past relationships--what worked, what didn't work, what you absolutely cannot tolerate, what you liked about yourself in the relationship--and then write an exhaustive list.  Keep this list in mind but don't be too rigid with it when you start dating.  and also don't toss this list out the window when you start to really like someone.  When we have electric chemistry with someone sometimes our tendency is to see right past the red flags--keep a level head, and refer often back to your list to make sure you aren't putting the blinders on.

• Limit the energy and time put into online dating sites - if you are doing eharmony, OkCupid, Match, or any number of dating websites-- put a time limit each day on how much you visit these sites.  It can be really easy to get sucked in and spend an inordinate amount of time on these sites but then you end up neglecting other things that are important when you do this.  Also, don't check it at work and don't download the iphone app for the site--really commit to only checking in once a day--at the end of the day for about a half-hour to an hour --tops.  That's it!  I mean it!

• Remember that there's no such thing as rejection, only wrong fit - I am borrowing from Kathryn Alice's book, Love Will Find You, again.  Love this book.  This message was completely life-altering for me.  When you go out with someone and the person ends up saying--"I had a nice time with you but I don't think we should go out again"--it's not rejection, it's just not the right fit!  The right fit for you won't have these feelings.  Same with long-term relationships that didn't work out for whatever reason--it was just the wrong fit.  I won't go into this anymore here--perhaps this is yet another future blog topic to explore.  Just, please don't be blown by every wind--never compromise your self-worth over how a stranger responded to you.  You got me??

• If you like someone, chill out!!! - OMG--I can't say enough how important it is to just relax and let the relationship unfold at an easy pace if you really like someone.  Don't harass them with texts, emails, and Facebook wall posts and don't express an urgency to see him/her again soon.  I have a rule about not asking someone out on the next date at the end of a date--(even if I know I want it to happen.)  Because you are not being PRESENT when you do this.  Stop future-tripping (nod to Gabby Bernstein) and just live in the moment.  Don't get attached to any kind of future with this person even if it's just the next date.  Not to mention, you can really inadvertently push people away by being too eager.  Sounds like playing a game right?  Nah...it's just how it is.

• Date more than one person at a time - not only is this fun as heck--but it keeps you from becoming too invested in any one person.  This doesn't mean have a date lined up for every day of the week (I know someone who did this and couldn't keep people straight...he identified them by their key interests--"Kayak" was Monday night's date, for instance.  Wouldn't recommend it.) AND I don't recommend getting physically intimate with more than one person at a time--that's just not safe.  What I mean, is while you are figuring out if you like a person enough to go out on a third or fourth date, don't close any doors on any potential matches.

• Keep an open mind - So you may end up meeting someone in person that you are attracted to but you are not so sure about the intellectual connection or someone looks good on paper on eharmony but you're not so sure about the in-person chemistry...well, I say if there's enough there on any level, give it a go!  You never know!  I've been doing this to make sure I'm not limiting myself.  If you looked at latest batch of guys I've gone out with you wouldn't be able to pin me to a type whatsoever.  Actually, that might be true of my whole dating history! and yet I'm still single...hmmm.  Maybe I need to find myself a type?  LOL.

• Don't let people treat you like crap - I can write this very succinctly...if someone acts like a douche towards you (pardon my language) don't go back out with him.  PERIOD.  You deserve to be treated with the upmost respect and care.

OMG...that was a lot.  I hope you don't feel overwhelmed!  I just hope I didn't leave anything off!  If I did, I promise to come back in and update the list and keep you informed of any changes.  

Happy dating--everyone--the most important thing is to keep your integrity, health, and self-worth in tact and have a lot of fun.  And take a break from time to time when needed!

XOXOXO,

Brooke