My focus this week is on the joy of dating. Even in just plain text, it seems even to myself like I'm being facetious but I'm really not! I think dating is extremely fun and exciting--for real! I have plenty of people around me that would beg to differ. I am in a place in my life where I am actively dating and I'm enjoying every minute of it!--even when I know within the first 30 seconds of meeting my date that it's not going anywhere (okay--clearly I've just outted myself as an eharmony user.)
The reason I enjoy it so much is that I love connecting with people and I swear I can have a meaningful connection with anyone at all. I don't get nervous and I don't have trouble relating to someone on some level---that is, nowadays! I wasn't always like this--this is a point at which I have arrived after some serious work. These days when I'm out on a date, I feel comfortable and confident in who I am--I leave feeling like "wow, I would date myself!" And so I pretty consistently end the night feeling happy with the experience and happy to have spent time and shared a good meal with a nice person.
But then there's the trauma that occurs when I finally meet someone I DO want to go out with again! Oh how all my self-assuredness and security go out the window and full-blown neurosis settles in for a spell. I worked on this a little tonight after having gone out on a date with someone over the weekend that I have an interest in seeing again. In case you don't already know, I am a big fan of author and lifestyle guru, Gabrielle Berstein. I am using her guided meditations from her "Medi-dating" CD to help me work through some of my mental manure around dating.
I'm working on the illusions (or delusions) I have about dating--what she refers to as Tiny Mad Ideas (which I think is borrowed from "A Course in Miracles") I have plenty of them--this evening I conjured them up, breathed into my body the place where I feel discomfort when I think about them, and then went a step further by releasing them. I released them by reframing the illusion, thereby altering those faulty cognitions I have about dating. My hope is that I will really transform my thought process to a point where those tiny mad ideas don't surface anymore--I imagine that it's going to take some time and conscious effort initially though.
Now-- I'm going to get vulnerable here and give a couple of examples so you know what I mean in case you are interested in trying this for yourself. This is not easy, since I feel a bit embarrassed to have these thoughts and feelings. Okay, here goes...
Tiny mad idea #1: If I express myself openly, he will reject me and think I'm neurotic. He will leave me.
The correction: The RIGHT person for me will be open and receptive to what I say. He will honor, respect, and validate my feelings. He will treat me with compassion and it will only bring us closer together.
Tiny mad idea #2: I need him to be calling or texting often. If I don't hear from him, it means he isn't thinking about me or is losing interest or simply doesn't care about me.
The correction: People have lives! And he may not be able to call or text because he is busy OR maybe he doesn't want to feel like he's harassing me or being intrusive. and it doesn't mean he isn't thinking about me. He will call as soon as he has the opportunity.
Phew...I feel like a big open wound! But it felt good to share my truth! I have TEN more of these tiny mad ideas I wrote down and reframed this evening and boy did it feel amazing! I suggest you try it too! You can do this with any illusions you have--not just ones about dating.
I'm ready now to chill out and be cool while I do this whole dating thing--correcting tiny mad ideas will be my practice this week.
Wanna share some of your TMI's? (Not "too much information" but "tiny mad ideas" :-p) I would be honored to hear about them!
Namaste,
Brooke
Tiny mad idea #1: I am not pretty enough. I am sure he will see all the imperfections that I see on a daily basis and be disappointed immediately.
ReplyDeleteawesome, E! Could you please reframe it too! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThe right person for me will see how beautiful I am both inside and out. He will view my smile and personality as things that light up a room.
ReplyDeleteOr, even harder to write...
I am a beautiful person. People see that on a daily basis. I don't look like everyone else, not the stereotypical barbie doll - and that is a good thing. No matter if I dress up or dress down, I am beautiful.
Brooke - I totally hear you one the dating and getting to a place where things fall into place.
ReplyDeleteI was lucky enough 2 years ago, after a whole year of dating on Match.com that I met my boyfriend (ACTUALLY we met through a guy I used to date on Match - it didnt work out but we stayed friends. Now i'm close with his sister and hosted her baby shower, and Jeff and I are in a music project with the brother in law)
It's been a pretty ridiculous ride!
My tiny mad idea before and while I first starting dating Jeff was that if I acted goofy he'd find me childish (he is 9 years older than me). All it took was an accidental fart on his leg while watching tv, and now we have silly games we do all the time and it only cements our relationship to not be too serious.
:-P :-D