Today I was considering how feeling guilty is really an extreme form of self-judgment. You are not practicing self-love when you are constantly beating yourself up about something--and think about, if you are feeling guilty about one thing, don't you easily find other things to feel guilty about too? The reason is that feeling guilty makes you a big open wound--you become hyper-sensitive and you start to misinterpret what other people are saying. Guilt breeds a feeling of insecurity and in that state you tend to twist people's words so what you choose to hear feels like an attack on you.
It's so easy at this point to act out of insecurity and make choices you wouldn't otherwise make. For instance, you are feeling guilty because you feel like you hurt someones feelings so your next step is to overcompensate by showering this person with compliments or even gifts or maybe you make yourself incredibly available to that person and would even shirk one of your other responsibilities to "make it up" to this person. But what does that really accomplish? Aren't you essentially knocking yourself down a peg from this person? Are you now setting up an expectation that this is how you are always going to be from this point forward? Does it make you look kinda ridiculous? And you go through all this STILL feel like crap at the end of the day, don't you?
The point is, actions based on guilty feelings are usually excessive, unnecessary, and not helpful! What helps is to know what is at the root of those guilty feelings, offer yourself forgiveness, and move on. Let's take a look at these steps, shall we?:
1. Get to the bottom of it
What's at the root of all guilty feelings? Feeling guilty means that you feel as though you have violated one of your own core values. Notice I keep saying "feelings of guilt" or "feeling guilty" and that I don't say "So, you are guilty of something and so..." My reason is guilt is highly subjective and individual because it is related to one's values. For instance, I may feel guilty about calling out sick from work when I'm not really sick because I value being a dependable and honest person. Another person may not feel guilty because maybe perhaps those values aren't as important to him. Or perhaps they are his values but he doesn't feel as though he is in violation of them because he can tell himself--"I deserve a mental health day and they'll be okay without me one day. I hardly ever take off work, so taking off one day doesn't make me any less reliable. When I'm there, I work my tail off!" Should that person in fact feel guilty? Well, it's not up to you decide that!! One of the worst things us human beings can do to one another is try to make another person feel guilty--it's so manipulative and ugly. Feelings of guilt come entirely from within a person--which is good news because--guess what? That means you have control over it! This brings me to my next step, once you have identified which core value you feel you violated.
2. Where do you go from here? It's YOUR choice!
I kind of like my example from the first step in which the second person justified the day off by making the point that taking this one day off doesn't really make him a dishonest or unreliable person. I guess one reason is that this is how I personally would feel about the situation and secondly it demonstrates a healthy way of responding to guilty feelings. If you think you have violated one of your core values, then you need to really examine if that is what really happened. Under closer examination, most times you will discover that you are just being overly critical of yourself for some reason. You will probably be able to find that if you simply reframe the situation in your mind that you didn't violate anything after all just like in my example. So the steps within this step are as follows:
1. Examine - did I really violate one of my core values?
2. Reframe - actually, if I look at it this way, I really didn't.
3. Write an affirmation that aligns with the value -
example -"I am a valuable, honest, and dependable person."
3. Movin' On
So, it's also your choice to decide how you are going to feel from this point forward. Feeling guilt isn't the primary emotion is it, now? Nope! Feeling sad and angry are usually the primary emotions. So now that you've cognitively moved yourself along through the feelings of guilt, are you going to continue to feel sad and/or angry? If you do then you are still fueling the guilty feelings--you're giving them the invitation to stick around. How constructive is ruminating, I ask you? It does NOTHING for us. Ruminating is something cows do to digest their food--it's not something us human beings should be doing. So, if you find yourself dwelling on the past (cuz, guess what--whatever you are feeling shitty about happened in the past and that's where it's going to stay) then you are missing out on the present! Go sit on your meditation cushion for a while and do a mindfulness practice--actively bring yourself back into the present and really commit to moving on.
Guilty feelings do serve a purpose though--they become our moral check and balance system. Maybe you really did violate one of your core values--well, as part of your movin' on process, you can still forgive yourself and then make a commitment that you will become cognizant of when you start going down that path again and make the effort not to make the same choice that resulted in the guilty feelings you just got over.
If you need any help with any of these steps, feel free to write me an email at brookereneebaker@gmail.com and I'd be happy to help you get to a better place with this. I have a ton of practice at it, myself. Be sure to make the subject heading of your email..."Forgive me, Brooke...for I have sinned"--KIDDING! HA!
Much love,
Sister Brooke
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