A Practice in Self-forgiveness

Warning:  This is far more personally-revealing than anything I've written so far and a little less perky than most of my other posts.  However, if you struggle with self-love and you punish yourself a lot, this is a must-read!  This felt important for me to share.

Over the weekend I had the sincere pleasure of getting to celebrate the upcoming marriage of one of my dearest friends at her bachelorette party and Sunday Bridal Shower brunch.  This is one of my oldest friends - we go all the way back to undergrad.  So, of course several of my other friends from undergrad were in attendance as well.   I don't see these friends but a couple times a year because we're spread up and down the east coast.  Well...this is hard for me to admit and make public, but I have a history now of becoming incredibly anxious when it's time to bring that whole family back together again.  I'll tell you why...

These ladies have known me for 16 years and so they've seen me go through a lot.  They have witnessed me make countless poor and impulsive decisions.  They have seen me struggle with mental health issues.  They have witnessed me go through a painful divorce with a man that I'm still kind of embarrassed I ever married in the first place because he didn't treat me well.  And yet, it feels to me that they have all continued to go down this straight and narrow path in life--I mean they most certainly have had their share of struggles for they are have befallen hardships over the years.  But the difference in my mind between them and me is that I've created my own suffering and for a long, long time--I've chosen to punish myself for that.  And I can't seem to shake this feeling that their perception of me is that I'm a screw-up and somehow less-than.  (By the way, no one in this group ever behaves in any kind of way towards me that would suggest they feel this way--they are nothing but warm and loving.)

One particular thing that I have the most difficult time letting myself off the hook for is the fact that I  was unreachable for an entire year about 7 or 8 years ago.  The reason I went "missing" was because I was so severely depressed and terribly ashamed of the relationship I was in with an alcoholic.  I really couldn't stand myself and figured no one else could stand me either so I just isolated the heck out of myself.  I also had no clue what I was doing career-wise.  I was so very lost.   It was a truly painful existence.  When my then live-in boyfriend finally got sober (for a little while anyways) and I enrolled in grad school for art therapy, I slowly started reaching out again to my friends even though I felt so ashamed still for having missed out on so much of their lives for a whole year.  I was especially destroyed over having missed a good friend's wedding.  I have a really tough time with that one still.

I've gotten to a point in my life where I realize my perception that my girlfriends think I'm a hot mess is merely a nasty little voice inside me that came from an insecure and self-loathing place - a voice that I don't identify with or listen to anymore.  But before I got here, I had debilitating anxiety when it came to spending time with these friends--and actually it's still there today on a much milder level.  I realized that it still lingers as this weekend started approaching.

The difference this time is that I'm in a really good place with myself and I love myself.  I have learned to find this unshakable peace and joy within myself.  I am at peace with past decisions I've made that have gone awry because they have shaped who I am today.  And I realize there's no sense in beating myself over things I can't change--because the past is just an illusion.  I realize that they probably aren't hanging onto this stuff the way I am.  And perhaps their impression of me as being someone who struggles emotionally is what they remember most vividly because of the past several years in particular.

But what I realized is that I had to go into the weekend remembering who it is I am today and not revert back to the old Brooke--the insecure Brooke that assumed everyone thought ill of her.  I had to go into the weekend offering myself forgiveness.  I had to go into the weekend prepared to be who I authentically am today--which is a pretty f-ing great gal.  I had to go into the weekend ready to be fully in the moment and not even worry about all that old stuff that doesn't matter anymore.  I just needed to be prepared to have a damn good time with my sisters.

And that's exactly what I did.  I was me.  I was present. I had a blast celebrating one of the most beautiful and loving people I've had the pleasure of knowing and I got to do it with a group of amazing and remarkable women.

What's your story?  How do you struggle with self-forgiveness?   How do you continue to punish yourself for decisions you've made in the past?  What can you do today to start to let go of some of that self-inflicted pain?  Is there somewhere in your life where making amends would be helpful so you can move on?  

I would love to hear from you.  I hope this helped at least one person in even the teeniest way today.

Much love,
Brooke