Have you ever found yourself in an average conversation with someone close to you and all of a sudden you withdraw because you feel as though the person is judging you, thinking ill of you or being nasty? Looking back on that conversation, did you recall that the person you were talking to wasn't being any of those things, because it's not really even in that person's nature to be that way? The general public and mental health practitioners alike might call this neuroticism. I call it being attacked by your own thoughts.
I had this experience the day before when talking with my main squeeze about a spiritual practice I wanted to engage in, but only on a specific day of the week. He had reasonable questions for me about the rationale behind the practice with the intention of wanting to better understand it and so he could be supportive. He also was trying to see if it could be of value to him as well. Because of my own "stuff" I immediately jumped to feeling judged and attacked. The ego voice (ego in this sense could be synonymous with 'evil' or 'fear') inside me said things like "What you're doing doesn't make any sense" and "You're flaky for not being able to practice this everyday" and even "You're being stupid." So rather than continuing to talk about it, I abruptly shut down and left the conversation and felt like crap the rest of the day.
This kind of response from me isn't unprecedented. These attack thoughts ultimately led to the demise of a relationship I was in many years ago. At the time I identified myself as being Buddhist. After spending the night at my boyfriend's house, I awakened to learn that my car had been broken into and my brand new stereo was stolen. I was reasonably upset about the situation and his response to me was "I thought Buddhist's weren't supposed to be attached to material things." With that one statement I declared the relationship over and never saw him again. In retrospect, he was probably just trying to understand me and my beliefs better. Maybe that relationship had lasting potential--maybe not--but I didn't give it a chance because the ego voice at the time was overpowering my loving inner guide.
I think the reason I felt so threatened in both of these examples is because my ego was being threatened. It's such a rare and even unfamiliar experience for a person - particularly a man - to want to know me on a more intimate level, that my ego doesn't know what to do with it. It's a sign of love when someone invests the time and energy in trying to really understand you on a deeper level and since the ego doesn't align with love, it will do anything to reject it, including telling you nasty things about yourself that aren't true. The ego's job is to sabotage any chance you have at love.
So, now that I have this wonderful awareness of what's really happening here, I have a choice to respond differently to ensure that the relationship does not in fact get sabotaged. First, I have to acknowledge what is happening here--that ego is trying to run amok in my love life yet again.
Then secondly, I realize how appreciative I am to have this wonderful man in my life who cares enough to ask thought-provoking questions. I ask myself, "do I really want the important people in my life to listen and not respond (which usually means they are not really all that interested in what I have to say) and constantly placate to me OR do I want close friendships and a partner who challenge me intellectually thereby enriching and adding value to my life?" This puts things in perspective and reminds me that I'm fortunate to have someone respond to me in such a loving way.
The last step is to respond to myself in a loving way! The loving voice from within wouldn't say those awful things ego said but rather would say "These are good questions and I have good answers to them! And if they don't make sense to him, well, at least they make sense to me and I'm not hurting anyone with my beliefs. So, it's all good."
Can I hear from you now? How have your thoughts attacked you? How have your thoughts held you back or sabotaged a relationship? How have your thoughts brought you down? How have your thoughts hurt you and made you believe that it was actually a person that hurt you?
Insert Serenity Prayer here.
xoxoxo,
Brooke
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ReplyDeleteOMG- yes! I, too, have had moments where someone asks or says something that triggers a irrational and nasty little thought. I'll admit that I think this is exactly what goes on between my sister and I, at least on my end. It's tough distinguishing between ego and ing when you're staring at a carboncopy of yourself (in this case, my twin). I just had a eureka moment with this post. Thanks Brooke!
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